Leaked outrage manifested over Valentine's Day weekend when the Department of Government Efficiency demanded paternity testing prior to any gift giving.
In a bold move to streamline romance and cut wasteful spending, the newly minted Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced this week that all Valentine’s Day gifts for “baby mamas” will be placed on indefinite hold until paternity tests can confirm the legitimacy of the relationships. The initiative, dubbed “Operation Cupid Clarity,” aims to ensure that taxpayer-funded roses, chocolates, and oversized teddy bears aren’t squandered on unverified claims of parenthood.
“We’re bringing efficiency to love,” a DOGE spokesperson declared at a press conference, flanked by a whiteboard covered in flowcharts and DNA helix doodles. “Why send a dozen roses to a baby mama when there’s a 37% chance—based on our totally real statistics—that the kid might belong to the guy she met at Applebee’s last Thursday? It’s fiscal responsibility with a heart.”
Under the new policy, prospective gift-givers must submit a formal request to DOGE, including a $49.99 processing fee, a cheek swab, and a notarized affidavit swearing they didn’t “just assume” fatherhood based on vibes. Results, officials say, will be processed in 6-8 weeks.
The announcement has sparked outrage among romantics and deadbeats alike. Local man Tyrone Jenkins, 29, lamented the red tape while clutching a half-deflated 'I Wuv U' balloon. “I was gonna get her a gift card to Chili’s and a knockoff Gucci purse from the gas station. Now I gotta wait for some government nerd to tell me if Lil’ Brayden’s mine? He’s got my nose, bruh. That’s proof enough.”
Meanwhile, efficiency enthusiasts are hailing the move as a triumph of bureaucracy over biology. “This is what freedom looks like,” tweeted DOGE co-founder Elon Musk, alongside a meme of a crying baby captioned, “When you realize the chocolate isn’t coming.” Sources say Musk personally suggested adding a Tesla-shaped locket to the approved gift list, pending a $1,000 deposit and a 23andMe upload.